Drink beer Save water .
Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so whats the point of practicing?
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
A rich man's joke is always funny.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Love is a battlefield.
If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.
- Tommy Lasorda
It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
I’ve got problem for your solution.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
- Albert Einstein
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk.
Half of the people in the world are below average .
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
Short Funny Quote by Homer J. Simpson
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
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