Steven Wright Quotes

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steven wright quotes

Steven Wright is a very dry and laconic American comedian with a surreal sense of humour. Here are some quotes from him.

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
• How young can you die of old age?
• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
• I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
• Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?